Lord, I hear You now. It’s time to restore my intimacy with You again. It’s been so long since I’ve felt close to You. This loneliness and emptiness within me was always beckoning me to draw near to You but I kept pushing it away and pursuing other things instead. I kept putting other things before You but now I think I genuinely have the desire to make You the Lord and master of my life again. Sorry it’s taken me so long. My scars have wounded me to the point where I wanted to focus so much on myself. I felt like I deserved this self-centeredness.
But I truly repent. How You continue to love me and never leave my side is beyond my understanding. I still can’t believe You love me exactly as I am. Maybe I will never fully understand how I can be perfect in Your eyes but thank You so much for loving me. As I had a time of worship today with You, laying everything else down and completely surrendering before You, I could feel that warmth that I had been missing. I’d forgotten just how perfect You are, how only You can truly fulfill these needs I have. Even though I want so many things that You eventually will bless me with in Your timing, which includes my future husband, I kept idolizing potential partners and even relationships. I was so easily shaken by jealousy. I felt myself turning into someone You never created me to be. I was being so deceived.
I’m so thankful that You made me this way. Even though life feels more difficult because I’m now Your child, who is desperate for Your love, I can’t live without You. Whenever there’s distance between You and me, I just can’t be truly happy. I was in denial but now I can understand more deeply what You meant when You kept telling me this. I would always question and doubt, unable to fully acknowledge this fact. Thank You for always pursuing me with such passion. I love that You will never give up on me. I love just how much You care about me and how nothing I do could ever change the way You feel about me.
Please, I want to keep You as my first love. I want You to be first in everything I do. No matter what it takes, change me and heal me so all the desires of my heart can only come second in comparison to You. Renew me so that I die to myself every day and become more of the woman You designed me to be. I’ve been so influenced by the world lately, with this pandemic and the many scars I’ve been accumulating. Help me to be resilient and strengthen me so that I can stand no matter what happens to me. I know You allow these things to happen because You truly love me and You are using these incidents for a greater purpose. You only want the best for me.
Make me Your servant. Transform me so I don’t live as someone who only thinks about herself. May I not be focused on what others think about me. It really should only matter what You think of me, if what I’m doing is pleasing to You. Even this platform, Lord, use it only to glorify You. Every time I put words on this page, may the process be Spirit-led. Make all my words and actions and thoughts, the desires of my heart align with what is pleasing to You. I’ve been feeling stubborn with what I want, but truly, if it isn’t part of Your will, as much as I don’t want to let it go, please remove it. Give me that wholehearted trust I once had. I know that in the end, whatever You do will be good for me, even if it takes time for my feelings to catch up.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV