It feels hard to hold onto joy these days. It seems much easier to find things that will make you feel discouraged. I don’t think it’s just me. The hard part of remembering that all the things that happen on this earth are actually part of a spiritual battle that is unseen to our physical eyes, is the seeing part. Like any other imperfect human I have my own fair share of doubts. It’s so much easier to not believe and trust in God that He will make everything turn out for His good. Whenever I face even the slightest inconvenience these days, I just see the worst of me come out. It’s not an entirely new thing for me, but I just don’t want to be like that. It’s because my heart feels heavy, and my soul feels weary. It’s been so long since I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep. It almost feels like I’ll never go back to a better state where I’m truly enjoying deep intimacy with God every day, where I can truly enjoy so many things that lately I struggle to be thankful for. I’ve been in this place before. It’s like déjà vu. It’s not the exact same place but all too familiar.
I’m moving at the end of this week and I’m so very nervous. Will the change in scenery make a big difference in my perspective? I’ve been so fed up with the small things that I just can’t ignore about where I am now. Every time I’m reminded it’s so hard to not stress. I really want to have some sort of a fresh start again once I’m in that new place. But the thing about moving this often is that with each occurrence the novelty wears off. The whole process becomes so tiring and what felt more exciting about it before feels more like a chore. It just reminds me of how big of a contrast there is in my emotions associated with visiting New York City. When I still lived in the Midwest it was actually my dream to visit one day, clearly affected by all the movies I’d seen hyping it up. Then when I finally got to be a tourist in my first few times in the city, I was absolutely enamored by pretty much everything about it. That first time visiting Manhattan, I can still remember bits and pieces of that day. I just didn’t want to leave. It was in the middle of the sweltering hot summer and my family and I probably walked for over 10 hours (my sister and I wore flip-flops… omg how did I survive). But when you finally experience what you’ve waited for after so long, it’s like nothing else matters. You just enjoy everything about that experience. You try to squeeze every drop of juice out of it.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt like that, and not just half-heartedly. Back then I was so excited to visit New York but now that I’ve seen the reality of it all, it’s just not the same. (although it is interesting how currently it’s a bit more bearable to be in the city. It’s a bit cleaner and not as congested; a little more comfortable to be there despite me preferring the quieter and more laidback lifestyle of New Jersey). These days I feel somewhat jaded and cynical. I’ve just let myself become too affected by all the unfortunate events in the world. I have to be more resilient. After all, if I can’t fulfill my purpose and God’s plans for me are delayed, then I’m just prolonging what I could just quickly get done. But I wish it was easier. It’s so in my nature to worry and think too far ahead in the future. My time now is so valuable but how come so often I can’t appreciate the present? And I get so stuck in the past that it’s hard to do much else but dwell on what I can’t change. It’s frustrating at the least. I’m thankful that I’m not the only one struggling right now though. Maybe others may think I’m doing better than I am at times. Or maybe it’s the opposite and I think I’m better when others can clearly see my state.
But I’m thankful too that God has never abandoned me. He’s always found ways to make sure that I don’t lose my sanity, that I am somehow protected and taken care of. He covers all my bases especially when I don’t have the strength to even do the most simple things. And I can see also how he’s gradually changing what I come in contact with as well. I know I’m not just imagining things, but the places He sends me to are for a specific reason. He is doing His work through me in the fields I go.
Lord, I know I am still so lacking but please continue Your work and Your plan. This world may refuse to acknowledge that You are God and that Your Son is the only way, but I truly want to see the hearts of so many change. This gospel must be preached even if it takes everything. Please prepare me so that I know how to navigate this quickly changing world and reach those who are waiting, with the confidence and strength that can only come from You. Thank You so much for encouraging me through Your disciples who are pressing on during this difficult time. I will never be alone because You are always with me. ❤️