Late night thoughts

I’m so nervous about how my life could change in the near (or farther) future. All of these things that I’m envisioning require me to get out of comfort zone. I’ve had plenty of nagging and pressuring by others (parental figures, mainly) which has led me to just want to finally just get these things done, because I really can’t stand being told the same thing over and over. Is it just my mindset that’s holding me back? I feel like this has been a significant obstacle in the most challenging stages of my life. I just feel like I can’t do it, or I feel overwhelmed thinking about all the factors would be required if I did attain that one thing I wanted. Like it’s somehow “out of my league.” I hate this part of me because it is part of my personality that I wish was easy to change. Of course I’m frustrated too because I like to be independent and not have to ask others for help; I hate the idea of being so dependent on somebody else that it causes conflict or tension. I mean, I’m not a child anymore, so it does make sense. Being more independent makes me feel freer.

And it’s not as if I completely reject all help or don’t even ask for it; I’m thankful that I do have many people who could be there for me if I ever faced immense financial hardship. It wasn’t easy, but I know that God is trying to get me to be more comfortable with this aspect of myself. I shouldn’t be too dependent but I also can’t take it to the other extreme.

But you know what? Maybe it’s just time to stop thinking so much and just get it done. Overthinking is something I just naturally do, and maybe that will never completely change for me. So I want to challenge myself to just keep pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone that maybe I won’t even recognize my environment at some point. I think that’s a good thing for me. I mean, the last time I had my life completely change, it was so difficult for me to adjust for a while, but that’s how I made it to where I am now. I am in such a different place than I was several years ago. I almost don’t even miss my life back in Minnesota, but that’s only because I distinctly remember all those years of wandering/searching/questioning. My life just felt so void of purpose. The most recent years in that place were full of so much frustration, because it was so hard to find hope. I felt trapped in my circumstances.

Maybe that’s why I like the false sense of security that comes with things like “independence.” However, it’s just false freedom. Even though I feel ashamed to admit that I don’t completely believe it for myself more often than not, true freedom is found in Christ alone.

If it weren’t for:

  • the guarantee of eternal life after this time on earth,
  • the fact that I have been set free from every single sin I have/am/will commit,
  • the gift of having direct and instantaneous access to my Father God at all times,
  • the blessing of my problems being completely taken care of by my Savior,
  • the truth that Satan cannot harm even one hair on my head,

then I would just be living such an empty, hopeless, and worthless life. Even on those days where I woke up deeply doubting why I have to struggle so much to survive in this world, God clearly had a plan for me. I’m still astounded that He can see so much beauty in me when I absolutely cannot. I’m still dumbfounded at how passionately He pursues me, despite everything I do to defy and deny Him. I live according to my own selfish desires, contemplating if I should even bother to take time out of my day to even acknowledge Him, and yet He still loves me this much. How is that possible? I don’t deserve it at all when I act the way I do. But I guess that’s love for you. Perhaps I’ll just have to experience it for myself after I get married and have kids of my own.

And regarding my anxieties for my future husband and marriage? Honestly, with all that I’ve been through, and how much I’ve worn myself out trying to overanalyze things before they’ve really even started, I’m just going to enjoy myself while I’m single. I think it’s about time I actually do that instead of hopelessly romanticizing each person I encounter who seems even remotely attractive. Okay, that’s a stretch, but it’s pretty true for the most part. How am I going to have a healthy, meaningful relationship that will actually have a future if I can’t be realistic? Never thought I’d say this about myself because honestly who wants to admit something like this, but if I act desperate for a relationship or thirsty for attention, what kind of impression does that give other people? I’m trying to work on being less perfectionistic and serious, but I don’t think this is it.

When it comes to this topic, I’m only super cautious because the idea of commitment does scare me. I feel like I would mess it up, whether that’s between me and my future husband, or with my future children (or both). Divorce is so common these days; my goal is for this kind of generational curse to be broken in my family line, meaning, I don’t want to see it repeat even once more. I hate it so much. It’s so unfair that Satan gets to corrupt families like this. Now that I think about it, there are so many things I earnestly want to see come to an end at my generation.

When it comes down to what could potentially be part of my future, I really only trust my feelings if they grow stronger over time; when it comes to things that I take as seriously as this, I constantly go back and forth with God. I can only trust my feelings so much because they’ve gotten me into trouble so many times. I tend to act pretty serious compared to others’ laidbackness in many situations; yet strangely, in something that I take this seriously, I tend to act the opposite. Am I really that scared of commitment? Thankfully, I don’t think I am (at least excessively), because I have God on my side to renew me every day, to keep on correcting me and teaching me the right things. He’s still guiding and leading my every step. I can trust Him to shape me into who I want to become, and who I believe is the person He created me to be.

I think this is the first time I’ve opened up this much on here about my thoughts on the romantic side of me. This quarantine has done many things, but it’s also made me bolder. If not now, then when? It’s true that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

I wonder though….. Is he reading this?

Lol, a girl can only hope. This whole time it’s only been him that I’ve kept thinking about.

I try so hard not to obsess which might give him the wrong impression….. like even doubting if I’m still interested in him, for example. Even if I tried to “get away” from these feelings again (I’ve tried many times, and look what that did), I don’t think it would work. I’ve tried too hard to resist because I don’t want to come on too strong; I also felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. Then my anxiety also got in the way on many occasions, which I wonder if it was God’s way of intervening as well. So many potential factors turned into doubts.

But are you still trying to tell me something, God? I guess only You could know. Somehow You’ve changed something in me; even if I do give into these feelings from time to time, it’s so different now. And the last time I saw him, I just saw such a big change in him as well; it was his disposition that instantly gave it away. When I was around him that time, somehow it just all felt purer, gentler. It’s hard to explain. Even now, for some reason, instead of having these feelings of a more intense and obsessive nature, I get this deeper, warm feeling in my heart that seems to spread throughout my entire body. It’s so foreign in a way but I like it. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this kind of feeling in a romantic sense. My feelings in this department have always felt much more shallow and superficial in the past.

How do you do something like this, Lord? How do you change everything and cause it all to fall in place so perfectly? I’m honestly at such a loss for words. I’m so amazed at what You’ve been doing. I’m still scared but I can’t forget how safe and secure I feel when You lead me in this way. Just…. wow. I don’t want to let go of something like this. I don’t think this is your average crush. Please don’t break my heart. And yet somehow, I want to risk it all. It would be much better than being left wondering of what could be. If this is your will, Lord, please open up this door for me. I don’t know how I would get this to happen by my own strength, so I’m trusting You once again. Please do what You do best. I’m really curious to see what happens.

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