The next chapter

I’m anticipating what doors God will open for me in this next stage of my life. What exactly do I need to do in order to make sure I don’t delay His plans? I know I keep hearing over and over to just stay in the flow of His Word, but that’s easier said than done, especially when the very human part of me keeps pulling me toward those enticing distractions.

Also, I keep thinking a lot about my “depression.” Sometimes it feels as though it’s not even a problem in my life, sometimes it feels like it doesn’t even exist. It’s in those short moments that I hope are growing to be longer in duration. I really hope this is for a season and not something I will have to deal with for a long time. I have been accepting enough in the past at times to truly say that I’m okay with it becoming a permanent thing if it’s God’s will, but this quarantine has tested me like none other. I seriously am so low on patience right now.

Even as I continue to work (which I am so thankful for, even if it feels like a chore), I can feel myself acting so differently. It’s not just me but many others who are frustrated with the lack of control that has becoming the new norm. I’m at the point right now where I still can’t fully accept this situation. I just want so badly to break all the rules and do what I want. But I guess that’s not wise. And God has shaped me to be more mature than that.

Yet in spite of all this that has pushed me to the edge, I somehow find moments of peace that can only be found in Christ alone. It’s not easy, especially because it requires sacrificing my own selfish desires, but in a way I know He’s training me in this way. After all, that’s what love is. I can’t just live for myself anymore. I’m trying and I think I see the ways in which I’m gradually changing.

I want to break out of these limitations that have kept me here. Of course there’s a reason why my plans have been either canceled or delayed. But I don’t want to delay my future. Lord please help me move forward. There’s so many things I feel like I could finally have within my grasp within the next few years. Perhaps that’s a big part of why I feel so frustrated and unconfident. I’ve been in school for this long, I still don’t have my own car and license, I still have yet to graduate and finally start my career. I want all these things to finally happen.

And what about meeting my future husband? I feel like I’m trying to be too careful to the point where I don’t want to make mistakes. But it’s only because I feel like I’ve made so many already that I still regret. Then I also go to the other extreme and not even think at all; just acting purely out of emotion. But anyway, I want so badly for that stage of my life to start too. I want my next relationship to be my last. Is that too much to ask for? I honestly don’t think that’s too idealistic. Not when I have a pretty good idea of what I want. And it also already feels like I’ve already met him; perhaps it’s just either me or him (or both) who needs to heal/be prepared more before something actually happens.

I know my knowledge of marriage is probably pretty limited. I don’t want to be someone who thinks she knows everything. Lord help me not try to be perfect. Help me make the right choices so Your plan for me and my future marriage won’t be delayed. I don’t want to focus so much on the little things that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I want to learn to stress less. I feel like I need to work on that before I even start dating again. When I had those easier seasons in my life, of course I was much more relaxed. So with all these responsibilities to take care of, thank you for showing me just what my weaknesses are.

Also, I keep hearing over and over about the ultimate mission given to us to share this gospel to others. But it just feels so frustrating because it feels like not much is happening in this aspect during this quarantine. What do I have to do to see what You’re actually doing? What do I have to do to hold onto grace that will last longer than just those short moments?

Help me remain honest with You. I want to keep this communication consistent, even if I feel like I’m burdening you and just complaining so much of the time. Please keep reminding me how much You love me during this hard time. I need comfort and I feel so deprived of love and affection right now. I definitely feel isolated, that’s for sure. Please Lord. You know everything in my heart right now. Please give me that relief I’ve been waiting so long for.

Even though I am always so centered on my own desires, help me to always return to You. May my heart be renewed so everything I do becomes pleasing to You. I too want to experience that resilience, that unshakable joy that You’ve shown me, through Remnants like Joseph, can be my reality. Help me break out of my emptiness by enjoying my time of intimacy with You.

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