Unprecedented

Late Friday night/Saturday morning (like 4am?)…

This is a time like no other. I mean, seriously. People are going crazy. I honestly have to just ignore so many things I hear because I want to preserve my sanity.

But am I just pushing down my worries and fears? Am I compacting them like I always have in times of struggle? I know this will be different because I have God, I have Christ, and the Holy Spirit within me to maintain me. But it’s still such a weird time to live in.

It’s so frustrating too because as much as I’d love to sleep at a decent hour, I just can’t. Ugh, SO frustrating. But by God’s grace, I still have the ability to study, work, function. If not for Him I probably would have gone out of my mind completely.

It’s weird though, the feeling of being in this together. Even before quarantine I was so much more comfortable being home, and socializing honestly seemed like so much work. That was frustrating too, not being able to do what I want to do. Now it feels like I’m not the only one struggling and going through something.

But just as human nature would have it, being told to stay home makes me want to go out even more. Within reason of course, but there’s always that part of me that doesn’t like being told what to do. Who else feels the same?

My spiritual walk right now definitely has its challenges and obstacles too. How do you sit down and focus on the Word and enjoy that time when you feel so deprived in so many ways? Especially physical contact—that’s the big one right now, man. I know this virus is serious but at the same time, sometimes I’d rather risk it if it meant I could have more meaningful connection. I mean, I had a horrible case of something before this all blew up in America—could have been the virus. What if I’m immune now?

Maybe that’s why I have this major insomnia. It just feels like I need something more. And I’ve tried spending time deeply meditating on the Word—but still, nothing. What am I supposed to do?

Last weekend and today I almost lost it at work. I was so stressed, the rush just felt impossible to handle in the moment. I just felt so weary—and it was a deep, heavy feeling that may be partly because of this current chaos all over the world, and also my own personal struggles. I know that this must be connected spiritually. But I keep having so much unbelief because I’m so powerless, more than usual.

I’ve been holding on with such a strong grip on my pride lately—feeling such a spirit of rebellion when it comes to my surrender. However, Lord, You really humbled me tonight. I don’t think I’ve felt so convicted and willing to obey in quite a while. It was one of those rarer moments where I felt a more intimate conversation with You taking place. I hope that I can really start to change some of those things. They’ve tainted several generations of my family. It’s just not okay. I want things to be different.

Also, please watch over that one person I keep thinking about. That one person You won’t let me forget. It pains me to see them struggle, to see such weariness written on their face. I’ve always seen them so bright, but this caught me so off-guard. I don’t know what exactly is going on, but please just show me that they will be okay. I want to see that heart-melting smile again. Please give them peace. (& me too)

Update (Saturday night/Sunday morning):

I felt such a change in me, a strength I lacked for quite some time. I had more patience at work today, and it wasn’t so bad. Apparently yesterday was slower (but my perspective was darkened and I saw everything as just so unbearable for those few hours at work), and today was busier but I just was led by His Spirit. It’s amazing to experience this kind of evidence. All I did was spend more time in worship and meditating on His Word.

And I think part of it was cleaning out some of the sin in my life that I knew was holding me back; that I knew I had a responsibility to stay away from. I was anticipating to see what would be different. I just was blinded for that whole time; it wasn’t the first time I’d returned to it, and I felt as though I was stronger in a way now, but as You spoke to me and I finally gave up completely, I realized I was only in denial. I was shocked to see just how deceived I had been. You know everything, Lord. I just broke down in tears when I heard Your gentle voice telling me that it’s okay, no matter what I had done; how long I let it carry on. It was the opening lines to a song that made the floodgates burst open.

Come out of hiding
You’re safe here with Me
There’s no need to cover
What I already see

You’ve got your reasons
But I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown
And I hold the key

‘Cause I loved you
before you knew it was love
And I saw it all,
still I chose the cross
And you were the one
that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles,
My victory’s yours
I tore the veil
for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand
at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home

And now I’ll be your lighthouse
When you’re lost at sea
And I will illuminate everything

No need to be frightened
by intimacy
No, just throw off your fear
And come running to Me

‘Cause I loved you
before you knew it was love
And I saw it all,
still I chose the cross
And you were the one
that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles,
My victory’s yours
I tore the veil
for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand
at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
You’re not far from home
Keep on coming

And oh, as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story

(Steffany Gretzinger – Out of Hiding)

Oh also, I just learned today that the tearing of the veil refers to how God was once unreachable, but now anyone has the opportunity to meet Him through Christ (the only way to meet God and be saved). I received a lot of grace through this small fact. I’ve been getting more and more interested in history as I get older (never would’ve expected that, haha).

Who knew it was this easy, this simple? God really is alive, He works and does the unexpected. A weight lifted off of me. My heart felt freer, warmer, cleaner, more open. My outlook changed so drastically. I’m so grateful He kept pursuing me; He loves me so much that He wanted me to enjoy His best for me. I really hope this can continue for a long time. I feel like this is what Paul talked about—to be content no matter what my situation is. It wasn’t my environment that changed, but it was undoubtedly me who was revived and renewed, only through Him. He truly deserves all the glory.

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